Short list

I was working on Zach's baby book today and was thinking how small his list of "firsts" is going to be. And yet it also came to mind that he will be attaining one of the most important "firsts" first in this family - heaven!

Normal Mom

For the most part right now in my life I am trying to balance life just like any other mom. You know the time management piece of being a mom...how much time should I focus on my kids, on my To Do list? Am I giving the effort to my marriage like it deserves? Does God get a priority or leftovers? I'm pretty sure that this struggle will never go away this side of heaven.

I know I'm not the only one that feels that pull of priorities. I am also pretty sure that I'm not the only mom who is experiencing some guilt because she feels that she could do most of those things better than she is. *sigh*

Lord, guide my steps today.

A time to...

(I have no idea why this is posting in all capitals, and I have no idea how to change it...so frustrating!)

I have wondered why I'm not as sad as I think I should be. From the way that people interact with me, I feel that I should be in the depths of depair. But I'm not.

In fact, I'm enjoying my life right now. Part of me thinks I should feel wrong about feeling this way, but the Lord brought to mind Matthew 9:14-15, "Then the disciples of John came to him, saying, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?” 15 And Jesus said to them, “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast."

It is a time of laughter and dancing in our home now as we enjoy Zach and all he brings to our family. I don't want to be sad now. In a way I feel that this wouldn't be fair to Zach to begin to mourn while he is still with us.

Of course, I have those moments (usually alone in bed) when I really let my mind go to what life might be like after he is gone, but that is definitely not the norm. I know that the weeping and mourning will come, but that time is not now. I don't want to miss any moment with Zach because I was wrapped up in my own emotions. Lord, help me treasure every moment.

Ecclesiastes chapter 3 in the Bible says,

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance"

Little Smiles

It is so easy to forget that Zach is already 6 months of age. Developmentally, he is closer to 3 months of age. In the past I did not prefer the infant stage, but God is definitely changing my heart.

The past few weeks have shown us a change in Zach's ability to interact with us. This change has been a gift from God directly to my heart. We've noticed that he will now cry for attention! He knows when no one is paying attention to him. As soon as I turn to him, he will stop crying and begin this small but oh so powerful smile. Nothing is better! Just looking at this picture melts my heart every time!

Overwhelmed

I am just overwhelmed with all the support that we have been getting from near and far. So many people have volunteered to watch both boys, so that Craig and I can get out. Your love for us is definitely appreciated!

This past Saturday Zachary was 6 months old, so we decided to throw him a birthday party! And who doesn't like a party!

Change of plans

Craig and I went into our appointment with the pediatric surgeon so convinced that a g-tube was what we wanted and it would be the solution to all our feeding woes with Zachary. (One can dream.) After the appointment we came out realizing that nothing is that wonderful and everything has its pros and cons. We have decided to stick with the ng tube for now. It really is working well and it doesn't involve making a hole in his abdomen.

I do love coming out from a meeting, looking at Craig, and realizing that we are both on the exact same page. It is so reassuring. Craig has been such a gift as we go through this journey together.

Excited to go to the hospital!

The only procedure that we have decided to have Zach go through is having a g-tube put in. There are several reasons that we are doing this, but as a mom, the reason that I am most excited about is to be able to look at his face without tubes and tape! We have an appointment with a pediatric surgeon this Wednesday afternoon to discuss the g-tube placement.

Feeding Zach has definitely been more challenging than Aaron. With Aaron, I nursed, so my body would just produce what Aaron needed. Zachary is unable to suck and swallow like he needs to, and ng tubes were never meant to be a long-term solution. The tape either tears his face up or won't stick...so frustrating!

It is hard as a mother to place an ng tube when clearly Zach does not like or understand it, but I do it because it is what he needs. What does God see when we are hurting? Does God see us in the same way? Does it hurt Him when we hurt? Lord, help me trust that your perspective is perfect. Help me say with Hagar, "You are a God who sees and looks after me." (Genesis 16:13)