Adjusting

Remembering our time in the hospital with Zach in December, I think of God gently nudging me again toward letting go.

Once the doctors were confident that Zach had adjusted well to his new anti-seizure medicine, they moved us from the PICU to the regular floor. We were hoping to go home soon. (It is odd to say but I actually preferred the ICU to the regular floor. When Craig and I would leave for the night, in the ICU we knew that Zach was being checked on very regularly, while on the regular floor we felt more like we were abandoning him. There was nothing wrong with his care, it is just that he didn't need to be checked on as regularly. Of course, though, as his mom, I would have preferred more attention given to him.)

Sitting with Zachary at the hospital gave Craig and I a lot of time to think and talk. Going into this hospital stay, Craig was definitely ready to just give Zach comfort care measures, while I was not yet ready to give up on the idea of corrective surgeries for some of his issues.

One morning, we were visited by a neuro-surgeon. I remember thinking, "This can't be good...there is no reason why this doc should be visiting us." He sat us down. He proceeded to show us the brain MRI that had been done and a growing cyst located in the part of Zach's brain that actually works well. He then started to rattle off all the intervention options..."God are you kidding me! Something more!"

We went back to Zach's room just to think and allow things to sink in. Craig went for a walk, and I stayed with Zach. "Oh my, so many things...God, I feel like I'm in a sick version of Choose your Own Adventure. I mean, any of Zach's issues could kill him, and I feel like it's my job to pick which one will finally send him to heaven." In despair, I remember asking Zach,

"When do you want to go see Jesus?"

Just saying it out loud brought me to tears and an emotional realization that Zach's life is not mine to hold on to. God is asking for him sooner rather than later, and I knew that I had been in denial about the seriousness of his MDS diagnosis. I could rattle off facts to you, but I hadn't emotionally let it sink in. I knew in my heart that I no longer wanted to put Zach through any heart or brain surgery. I didn't want to be in a hospital anymore. I just wanted to go home and have my family together. I'm still scared of my emotions.