Hearing Jesus Speak

I recently read something that really resonated with me as I think about Zachary's life. This excerpt is from "Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow" by Nancy Guthrie.

What we really are in search of is not an explanation but sense of meaning. We want to know that there is some meaning and purpose in our losses-that they are not random or worthless. We want to see the ways God is using our loss for good.

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1. Looking back at Zach’s life, I need to know that there was a purpose in his life. I need to know that he made a difference. I am coming to realize that I cannot sit here hoping that Zach impacted someone else’s life. I can only control me. So what am I going to do with the lessons the Lord taught me through Zach’s life? I pray as Moses did, Lord give permanence to the work of my hands.

Prayers

Lord, help me to be faithful to pray for others, as others have faithfully prayed for us. Lord, help me want to want to pray. It's ugly to even admit that so often I have "better things to do". You know that "To Do" list is always waiting. Anything and everything grabs (rips) my attention away from spending time in communication with you. Forgive me, Lord, and help, please.

Prayer for Aaron

I sometimes struggle with the idea of fairness. I mean, Aaron is supposed to be my child that doesn't need to go to the doctor. Well, Aaron has been having some eye issues since this winter. His eyes will wander outward. We have been doing some eye exercises with him as recommended by his ophthalmologist, and so far this issue is not affecting his vision. We just had an appointment today, and the doctor was encouraged that it hasn't gotten any worse. But his experience tells us that it will be getting worse, even possibly losing vision in one eye completely! Please pray! I feel a motherly despair, except for the Hope that I need to remember. Lord, I feel you are my only hope to rescue Aaron's eye sight.

Confused

Would you think less of me if I told you that I don't cry as much as I think I should? I am confused about my own emotions. God seems to have wired me to be one who likes to be inside-the-box, a rule follower. So when my emotions don't do what I (and everyone else) think they should, I don't like it.

It is hard even to figure out what to blog about. All my other posts would springboard off my daily activities with Zachary...

Before Craig and I started having kids, our family plan was to have a couple of kids biologically and then some through adoption. At this point the plan to adopt has not changed, so every now and then I will go online and do some adoption research in order to start narrowing down the big topic that is adoption. It is very weird to think that my future son or daughter may already have taken their first breath. (Keep them safe, O Lord!)

Praise the Lord that He saw fit to adopt me into His family! Through the Bible, I know that Heaven is a free gift, and there is nothing I can do to earn or deserve it. Just like any children that the Lord may bring into our family through adoption, there is nothing that they can do to make their "chances" any better. God chose me, and for that I will be forever grateful.